Results of Financial Engineering Fictitious Essay

Two weeks ago, we published a fictitious college essay. Thanks to all of you who graded the essay to gain experience in judging what constitutes a good or bad essay! I know many of you parents and kids are currently pulling your hair out over college essays and I really hope this helps in some small way. Here are the results:

Reader's Score: 5.5/10 (average)

A Few Sample Comments:

  1. Essay does not reflect honesty. It appears crafted to please and impress.

  2. Since I am a corporate finance professional I saw quite a few inconsistencies across the essay.

My Score: 3/10

My Comments:

You guys are way too kind!! I don't see how this essay can get a 5.5. My score is 3 and I don't see any way this can help the college application.

1. Writer makes vague statements like "innovation" & "leading edge" in the introduction without any specifics throughout the essay 2. The whole second paragraph and bullets below are about his father. This is premium space, these are the paragraphs the admissions officer is going to read and should talk about the student. 3. The author repeats things like AP science, DECA, robotics and his grades that are already covered in the application 4. We are not getting a picture of why the student really wants to go into financial engineering or any learnings, insights etc. 5. There are sweeping statements about what he wants to do with the degree, but I'm not sure how and what he hopes to learn from the degree 6. Conclusion is not very useful; plus uses fluffy words without any purpose

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